Be the Parent
Who’s the Parent?
I was talking to another mom recently. A mom of a previous student of mine. He is 10 years old. She pulled him out of Martial Arts because he was “lazy” and she could not get him to go to class and he wanted to play football, then swimming…No, I think it was basketball. I’m always disappointed to lose students because I feel it’s like losing family, but when I lose students who I know desperately need the discipline, work ethic, self-control, and many of the other lessons Martial Arts teaches, it’s even more disappointing. And I know I can’t save them.
This mom went on to tell me how she cannot get her son to listen to her, how she knows his behavior is in part caused by a poor diet because he eats too much candy and pretty much whatever he wants, how he does pretty much whatever he wants, how he’s dictating what they as a family can or cannot do, how his teacher in their conference flat out told her he is going to get D’s and F’s next year, but how this could be in part because this teacher just doesn’t like him which could be because of his inability to listen and his lack of self-control……I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked her directly, “Who’s the parent?”
I really like this mom. She is sweet and kind and I connect with her. And she is a single mom which I have a ton of empathy and compassion for. I really like her son too. He is a handful, but these are the kids I feel we are meant to connect with and support through all the amazing benefits Martial Arts has gifted us. I knew it was a mistake for her to pull him out, but I’d already talked her out of it several times and we can’t save the world. I’ve learned the hard way we can’t fix anyone. I do my best to bring all of these things to a parent’s attention, but it does no good if they cannot see or they’re too tired to really hear. We do the best we can and when we know better, we do better. Definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I am a single mom too. I get it. I’ve been a single mom since I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter. My son was 2 1/2. If anyone gets the overwhelm, we feel as parents, it’s me. We are all overwhelmed and overscheduled with two parents and additional support even! We have guilt that our children are somehow suffering and missing out on something based on their circumstances, so we overcompensate with buying our children whatever they want and giving them freedom because we are too worn out to parent properly. We are trying to be better parents than we had, trying to give our children everything we didn’t have…..I get it. Now, STOP.
We all know back in the day, TV was a babysitter for parents that needed a moment to breathe or accomplish a task that was seemingly impossible to do with a child in hand. Now, the babysitter is technology. iPads, phones, Nintendo switch, YouTube, Video Games, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, online shopping, Google…..everything we want or need is at the touch of a fingertip. And what are we missing? EVERYTHING!! We are missing activity, movement, play, human interaction, conversation, work ethic, follow through, commitment, dedication, perseverance, indomitable spirit. Confidence building that will keep us safe from danger. Reminders of the importance of honesty and integrity, loyalty, honor, discipline, self-control, teamwork, manners, respect, giving value, community, non-judgment, focus, state management, memorization, constant challenges, goal setting and so much more…… Sound familiar? These are all the BENEFITS OF MARTIAL ARTS!!
How do parents miss that their children are learning all these lessons and more in our classes? Because most parents are not there watching classes. They are using their time as wisely as possible multi-tasking their busy life away. I lose students I’ve had for years because there is “another Martial Arts school closer to our home.” Well, I can tell you from 26 years of experience, NOT ALL MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOLS OR INSTRUCTORS ARE CREATED EQUAL. Not to mention, what does this teach your child about honor and loyalty and discipline and follow through? It teaches them convenience which is exactly what they’re learning from the overuse and abundance of technology. You’re letting your kids down instead of challenging them and lifting them up. What if you’re child says one day, “I don’t want to go to college any more mom.” Will you let him quit then?
I have the best sister in law of all time. She calls me her sister in heart and I absolutely adore her. She also happens to be a Shaman and has literally changed my life for the better with her wisdom and healing. Her name is Diane Hageman and she offers life coaching out of Earthe Energe here in town. I was crying at her one time about how sad I was for my children when they were little. How sad I was that they had only a single mom to care for them and support them. How sad I was that I couldn’t give them everything I wanted to give them. How sad they had to endure the struggle of divorce and balancing what felt like such a busy and chaotic childhood. Diane looked right at me and said, “Stop being so selfish.” I was shocked. I choked on my tears for a moment as I swallowed an extra breath. I knew Diane and knew she would never say ANYTHING with bad intention or without wisdom for that matter and I also knew she loved me and would never intend to hurt my feelings. This had to mean something important. What was the lesson here I wondered?
I knew I was far from being a selfish mom. I always put my needs on the back burner and sacrificed for my children (back then, but not so much anymore as I realize I need to often “put my oxygen mask on first.”) Diane continued, “God gave your children these challenges as a gift, how dare you try to take them away from them.” Wow. I have repeated this lesson so many times over the years. These words changed the way I would parent forever. I no longer try to “steal” lessons from my children. No loving parent EVER wants to see their child suffer or even see their heart hurting, but to find a balance with protection, guidance, and healthy parenting is the key. We guide our children through the hard times to help them learn, but we can’t take the lessons away from them or learn them FOR them Diane reminded me just this morning.
Be the parent. Be the parent when you’re tired when you’re busy when you’re overscheduled and overwhelmed. Be the parent when it’s hard and when it’s easy when our kids can’t stand it though secretly know they need it and even crave it. And for those of you who keep arguing you “don’t have the time or the money or the….” Guess what? If you want to keep arguing for your limitations, you get to keep them. How long does it really take you to get to Midtown from anywhere in Reno or Sparks? 20 minutes? I can assure you, if you stay the parent, watch and hear the lessons we are teaching your children in Martial Arts and use them at home and through school, you will make up 20 minutes and then some NOT arguing with your child or reminding them a million times to do their homework or follow through. Think about the work and then think about the payoffs
Martial Arts has changed my life. It has molded and created my two amazing children who have absorbed the lessons and philosophies since birth. Are we a perfect family trio? Not even close. Am I a perfect parent? Well, that question just makes me laugh out loud. Nope. But… I AM THE PARENT and my children know it. Yes, I pick my battles. My children also use and sometimes overuse technology. The biggest world in the room is the room for improvement. Are we happy? Yes, we really are. Do we argue for our limitations? Less and less every day.
I hope this helps remind you all about a verse from our student oath “if I fall, I get back up again and learn from my mistakes.” We cannot change the past, let it go. Forgive yourself. Start fresh. Start today. Remind your child you are the parent.
My son is 13 and is an amazing help for me in and around the house. He never lets me carry groceries anymore, opens the door for me and occasionally his sister (work in progress), he pretty much does any task I ask him to without arguing and hasn’t thrown any kind of fit or argument in many years. My son is in a magnet Middle School Program for the Gifted and Talented, speaks Spanish, plays Orchestra, is on his way to a solid Black Belt and gets all A’s and B’s. My daughter is in a Gifted and Talented program and also gets all A’s and B’s. She is in a two-way immersion program and is almost fluent in Spanish as well. She is an incredible little talent and sings and dances and is a brown belt in Martial Arts kicking higher than her long-legged mother. I couldn’t be prouder of my children – or of me for being their parent. It hasn’t been easy, but it has so been worth it